What a long strange trip its been...

I got this fortune the other day at a business lunch and it really made me think.   I guess thats what the point of these things are.  I am not a superstitious man nor do I think this fortune somehow influences the universe.  But it could influence a person?  as they say you make your own luck right?  I am a man who believes in fate, strongly.  If theres one thing Ive learned in my 32 years its that things happen for a reason, and generally things tend to work out.  I see people around me and this doesnt seem to be the case always but I think alot of that may have to do with Karma, perspectives, and the fact that they are living their story.  Well this fortune made me think alot about what is my dearest wish.  What do I want?  In life and love and everything.  Maybe it money?  One thing I have come to realize its not money we want at all but relief from the everyday struggle to attain it as well as the stress involved.  Maybe we dont know our dearest wish.  I remember a time when I wanted a Family first and foremost.  Had it all set up with a woman who treated me well and would have been (and will be) and amazing mother.  Removed myself from that after I realized I wasnt ready to be there.  Just recently ended another relationship that was good.  A true giver.  Most married people would have killed to have a relationship like that.  But I bowed out yet again.  And at first I thought it as fear.  Of commitment or failure..   Then I realized those two things are exactly why I got out.  Cause as the person I am, I was setting it up for failure.    So here I am again single (well I have Husker) and wondering whats next and I think Im finally realizing whats next is the wrong question.

So Ive recently been interested in Blogging more.  Im sure my Readership is small (hopefully at least my mom reads) but Im gonna try..  Try and do it more.  Try and say something meaningful.  THis is my Birthday Blog.  I started with a post on FB:

So I will be 32 years old tomorrow. I never thought I’d make it. I’m sitting here with my dog early morning contemplating where I’ve been and where Ill go. I’ve had some amazing friendships, family, relationships, and really look forward to developing new ones. I’ve pushed myself to the edge only to realize the edge was much farther than I thought. I have become the person who I am through experiences, personal relationships, and most recently self-reflection. I never want to go back, only forward and although I may not be living the traditional American Dream, it sure feels like a dream to me.

The biggest change in my life was moving to Montana.  I was stagnant in PA.  Although I dont want to sound like running away will ever solve your problems sometimes a move can be a great catalyst for change.  I often wonder if I was depressed in PA.  Seemed like same thing every day.   I was numb.  Is this depression.  I really dont know thankfully I hvent had issues with that.  But long story short it really was the first page in the rest of my life.

Fast forward Marriage Failure - Didnt happen (explained above)

Fast forward CO.
I love my Job here.  Ive been slow lately which is no fun and nerve racking but In all reality what I do is amazing.  I am respected, I am published, I speak at National Conventions, I am well known within the industry here.  I call this a career win.  I am not an owner, I dont make that much money, but its enough.  Im glad to be able to say that.  Its never enough!  People have this problem understanding its a business and you make what your worth.  sometimes you have to fight for it.  I am at a great company and didnt have to fight.

Personal life...
Last year my Best friend and I climbed Mount Rainier.  And we did it in High winds when everyone else turned around.  And to top it off, it wasnt that bad.  I trained my Body, I trained my mind, and we knocked the bastard off.  THis year my Goal was skiing.  In hopes for a near future attempt at McKinley, I am learning to ski.  And its one of my new passions.  I ski alone most days and some days I surprise myself other days I disappoint myself But I jut keep going.  25 shi days and 250,000 vertical feet and counting.

Some people dont like when people talk about how great their doing and happy.  I can never understand this.  You think bad stuff never happens to me?  Even now?  People always say Im lucky.  Very little of my life has anything to do with Luck.  THese were my choices.  Every one of them.  Even the WRONG ones.   One thing I have learned is it is how you look at things.  Dont focus on these negatives.  The best way I can describe the person I have become is with the following adjectives:

Laid-back - I dont sweat stuff I cant control.  Which is everything.  one thing I realized about life is were on a rock flying through our solar system.  Pick up a rock and huck it into the air.   Same thing.  Every minute is amazing, everytime you meet someone amazing and see that sparkle in their eye its a gift.  Dont ever fool yourself into thinking you can control anything or anyone.  Spouse, kids, dog...
Sincere -     Whats funny about my sincerity is it really came out of selfishness.  I called off a wedding and said Im going to worry about ME, concentrate on things I have always wanted to do and probably couldnt with a wife and kids.  Somehow I became even more sincerely interested in People.  I love this part of me.  Its a quality anyone can have but few choose to.
Motivated - Yesterday I skied for hours, came home Ran a trail run with husker and then Went to a wine party.  I do stuff.  I want to be a skier.  not an Pro skier but I want to be able to ski anything.  So How do I do that?  I bought a pass and I go every possible day I can.  THats not lucky, its hard.  90% of the time I am alone.  Alot of people I know wont ski alone but I want to be a skier, No one else I know right now has similar goals so I go at it alone.
Forgiving - I forgive but dont forget.  I love people, everyones so different its awesome.  But some people are unreliable, some just dont want to do stuff.  Getting mad about it doesnt change anything.  Ever.  THey are who they are, understand it and remember it and it wont hurt you again.  Someone recently told me something they thought I wouldnt want to hear and said they were sorry.  I said "Please dont be sorry"  I have 3 options, Argue it, run away from it, or deal with it.  Usually I go with the latter.  Im a big boy...

These four things are who I am.  It took me every bit of 32 years to get here.  and ill be different in 5 more years and even 20 more years and I look forward to reading this blog in 5 years to see how Ive changed.  But Ill like the person I am and I think in the end that is all that matters in life.  Who knows where I will be tomorrow.  I could be eating out of a dumpster.  I could be a ski bum at Wolf Creek.  I could be on an expedition to climb Mt Everest.  I could be dead!  That is why I love life, its uncertainty, its uncomfortably, its intricacies.  Life really is good!